If I could convince you of one thing to totally transform your dating life for the better, it would be this:
Rejection is not bad.
It’s understandable to feel like it is, our brains are literally wired to experience social rejection in the same way that we experience physical pain. It lights up our whole nervous system and says, “Red alert!” Because in the environments we evolved in, social rejection meant death. When we were hunter-gatherers, if you got kicked out of your social group, that was it. No other tribe of humans would take in a stranger when they had their own people to take care of, and you certainly weren’t going to make it on your own.
We don’t live in that world anymore. Our social lives are much more flexible now. If you don’t have a family, you can make close connections with other people that are just as fulfilling. If you lose touch with all your friends, there are plenty of other social groups that will be happy to include you. And if you go through a breakup or a divorce, you can find love again.
On an evolutionary scale, change happens incredibly slowly, so we still have that same gut reaction to rejection as our ancestors did. We try to avoid it at all costs, and if we get rejected, we’re often scrambling to figure out what we did wrong so we can either fix it, or make sure we never do that thing again.
And there’s merit there. If a long relationship ends, it’s always worth looking at your side of things to see what you can improve. But that’s not rejection.
Rejection is when you ask a girl on a date, or for her phone number, and she says no. Rejection is when you had a great time and suggest a second or a third date, and she says she’s not feeling the kind of connection she’s looking for. Rejection is when you go in for the kiss and she takes a step away.
Rejection is something that happens early on in the dating process, and I repeat, it’s not bad.
Does it hurt? Absolutely. We’ve just covered why it hurts, and knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. But the reason I say it’s not bad is very simple.
Rejection really means incompatibility. If she’s not interested in you, she’s not right for you. It’s that simple.
Often when I say this to men I’m coaching, they get defensive. They try to pull out a list of evidence like we’re in a courtroom and I’m the judge. “But she said this and did this other thing once, so obviously she’s interested!”
If she was right for you, you wouldn’t have to convince yourself or anyone else that she’s interested. You would know it, because she’d be dating you.
Fear of rejection is one of the main reasons us guys don’t make a move, and it’s one of the biggest obstacles to getting the dating success you want. When you ask a girl out, one of three things can happen.
Outcome one: she says yes!
This is the dream, the goal, and what you should be looking for. Hopefully you have an idea for the date because she’s about to ask what you have in mind. If you don’t have an idea, just tell her, “I didn’t think that far ahead, I was too busy being nervous about asking you out.” Remember, coffee is always a good first date.
Outcome two: she says no.
Bummer, but there’s your answer. Treat a no as absolute and unchangeable. Your time and energy are much better spent meeting girls who will say yes to you.
Outcome three: she gives you a soft rejection.
This is where a lot of guys get stuck. Soft rejections are things like “I’m not ready for a relationship yet” or “I’m focusing on myself right now” or “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” and things of that nature. Here’s the hard truth.
A soft rejection is just a very polite no. Treat is as absolute and unchangeable. You will run yourself ragged if you try to win her over or wait for her. Again, your time and energy are so much better invested in finding girls who will just say yes.
You may have heard the saying there are two answers to being asked out, “Hell yes!” and “No.” That’s because anything other than an enthusiastic yes should be treated as a no.
So when you don’t get that “Hell yes!” that means you are free to move on and meet other people. We always see these stories in movies and TV shows where the guy wins over the girl with persistence and determination, but in the real world that’s going to make her uncomfortable and not want to date you, and again, your time is better spent finding someone who is enthusiastic and excited about you. A good match.
Often we get fixated on girls when we feel like we have no options, or we feel unattractive, and if you’re in that situation where you’re really down on yourself and you get totally invested in any girl that shows the slightest interest… take a deep breath. You deserve a good partner. You deserve someone who likes you and expresses that interest clearly.
The book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller has a great chapter on “effective communication” and how it’s always the way to go.
“Effective communication is the quickest, most direct way to determine whether your prospective partner will be able to meet your needs. Your date’s response to effective communication can reveal more in five minutes than you could learn in months of dating without this kind of discourse.”
In other words, when you make a direct move and state your intentions clearly, you find out very quickly how she feels about you.
And if she’s not interested, that’s your cue to move on.
This applies to every aspect of dating. If you have “dealbreakers” then bring them up early and confidently, because they’re going to come out anyway, and you should only date someone who doesn’t think of them as a dealbreaker.
Do you have kids? Don’t hide them. Enjoy smoking weed? Be honest about it. Don’t drink alcohol? Be upfront about it.
When you shift your perspective from “I’m trying to impress her” to “I’m trying to find a good match and I’m going to be honest about what I need” your odds of finding that amazing relationship you really want go way up. It’s one of the best choices you can make if you’re serious about finding a long-term partner.
And when you state these things clearly and someone isn’t interested in dating you as a result, thank them for being upfront because it saved a lot of time and heartache for both of you.
So that’s why rejection isn’t a bad thing. Make your move, and ask for what you need. Because when you get that “Hell yes” you won’t care how many people said “no” along the way.
If you’re committed to improving your dating life, book a free consultation with me. I’ve gone from totally awkward wallflower to confident and comfortable with an abundant dating life. Let me help you do the same.